So you filled your hands

So here's the thing about The Falling Woman. I'm having a dilemma. I am so, so close to finishing, but every time I try, I can't. Part of this, of course, may be the classic "I'm afraid to end the story!" (variety of your choice), but even though the things that are left are purely emotional threads that really won't require a ton of alteration (reunion, restoration, return, that sort of thing), I find myself banging my head against the wall going, "The structure is wrong!"

See, I know the first draft is supposed to be your "discovery draft," the one where you just get it all out and get to know your characters. For the past few weeks, though, I've been mulling over backstory. I've suddenly figured out what the relationship is between the Rot-Cat and the Plague Doctor, as well as the Rot-Cat, Rabbits and the Quiet Sisters. I know why Cethe was murdered, why the Quiet Sisters came to Scotland and why Gruoch was brought into Hecatia. And now that these really critical threads are clear to me, I'm tearing my hair out because everything up to now has been wrong.

Well, that's not true. Not at all. But I want to start fixing things now. I know what happens next. I could list it all out for you if you wanted to know, in exquisite outline, even if I can't seem to get it out in a draft. It's frustrating, because I know intellectually that it's copping out to not write that last scene, to not show the confrontation, to not show our protagonists emerging somewhat victorious. Readers, you've been true champs, and I am so, so grateful for those who have been following and commenting and discussing with me. I don't want to let you down. But I love editing, and I want to get in there and whip this baby into shape.

I want to do more world-building. whatistigerbalm linked to this fantastic video about Italian gestures, and I realized that I hadn't done justice to culture in Traitorsburgh by a long shot. There are more discussions of race in fiction going down around the internet: I know I have things to fix there. I want to tweak Rhona a little: she began as one of Gruoch's actual handmaids, a Scottish girl, but then she was changed to someone native to this other world. She doesn't have to be pseudo-Celtic. Maybe she's Ronit, and maybe she came from closer to Eridu. She also could, you know. Have some aspects of being made of stone that she really enjoys. Right now she's very sweet and somewhat naive. I don't want to diminish her sweetness -- it's an aspect of her I really like, and which is a good contrast to Imber and Gruoch -- but maybe she could enjoy being immeasurably strong. Maybe she could be more adventuresome, and maybe she knows how to paint herself and mingle in a crowd already. Making her capable makes her so much more interesting. And it also forces Gruoch not to hand off Macbeth so easily for most of the story.

That's another thing. I want to give more sides to everyone. I want to illustrate and develop genuine friendship between Rhona and Imber and Gruoch. I want people to know why Gruoch is so captivating, how she is more than an imperious sociopath on a revenge quest. I want to show why these women would stick together on this insane, impossible journey, and give them some real payoff (and consequences) by the end. I want to have them learn from each other, and from the people they meet. And I want the people they meet to be rich and challenging and complicated too. I know that the bulk of this first draft is from NaNo, and thus can't be expected to be perfect, but I want to make this story what it could be, and I want to start now.

Every bone in my body is telling me it's bad to not finish the draft, though. It feels like letting somebody down, or rushing. But I'm working out backstory and outlines on note cards right now, and it's awesome. I'm in love with the story again, and frankly, I've written four cards and what's showed up already could be a novel in itself. (Guys, the Plague Doctor is bad news. The more I find out about him, the more I'm like, YOU GET WHAT'S COMING, BUDDY.) The smart thing, probably, is not to torment myself, to just work on the note cards and write the end when I'm ready. In two weeks I will be landing in Spain, and from there I'll be traveling for three weeks, so it wouldn't be too wise to start too much right now.

But even though I'm anxious to start on another project, I really want this one to be good. The story first came to me more than four years ago, and dammit, I want to do justice by it. It's been that long. I want to set it loose, and I want to do it right. It feels more and more my own the more I work on it, which is amazing. And I've learned so much, probably more than any other original project. My goal really is publication, and I want it to be a good first novel. I think it will be. At some point, however, I have to finish it.